The Game Plan (for now anyway)...

January 22, 2024

 

Why I've been so absent...

SORRY, NOT SORRY!!!

 

 

Today I hand knit a single slipper (only had enough roving left for one 😳).

 

Trigger warning! - This is an emotional post/update about where I am emotionally and where my current future plans are taking me/us (this post is more of a journal entry and it's kind of heavy).

I don't know who this will reach and I'm not sure where to start so here goes...

I've been struggling in every aspect of my life this past year (2023)!  The first year and half or so after the completion of active treatment for breast cancer was focussed on fixing the issues and limitations chemotherapy and surgery left in their wake.  I was fully focused on recovery and healing and I never imagined this would be such a long and daunting process.  I truly thought I'd bounce right back, as I always have, in the face of adversity!  I knew nothing about cancer and had virtually no experience with loved ones going through it.  Once I'd gotten my body back to some semblance of normalcy I began the mental work to weed through the traumas.  This work, which I know deep in my soul is necessary and crucial, has been absolutely soul crushing!  It is the most difficult journey I've been on to date and I recognize that only I can do it!  Some days aren't quite as bad and some I BARELY make it through.  During this time of self-reflection I've discovered I've become a hypocrite.  I've found myself comparing my progress or lack of to others, their followers and engagement to mine (what little there is now), their art and skill level, travels, you name it!  I've been comparing, comparing, comparing every aspect of life to others and being left with defeat, unworthiness, and disgust at myself.  I now realize I've lost pretty much all self confidence.  I've been dealing with bouts of deep dark depression as I process, and the current state of our reality certainly isn't helping either!  I've been feeling paralyzed and incredibly broken for some time.  Whenever I try to create I question why I even do any of this (hardly anyone is buying what I make), why I'm even still here (why did I survive but the 30 year old died), do I even have a purpose.  Everything I try seems to end in failure and tears from cooking to baking to creating, all of which only sinks me deeper.  For quite some time now I've been unable to function as a normal member of society, I rarely leave the house or even venture into my studio (upon entry I'm overcome with defeat at the sight of my space and lack of motivation).  I find myself unable to reach and reconnect with my "self" (or my muse for that matter), I am now broken down so completely I have no clue who I am now or who I want to be, I don't know where to turn or how to begin the comeback.  I have lost virtually all previous avenues of sales.  I feel I've been abandoned by everyone I thought cared.  I don't really hear from anyone anymore and I don't reach out because I don't want to infect others with the poison.  I have changed so much since being diagnosed and through this whole process, not just physically, but mentally as well.  It's almost as though I'm being reborn and starting again with a clean slate. I am trying desperately to focus on the now, not the past, and not the future, only the present, so I can move through this!  From what I've found while researching I seem to be stuck in the freeze response and quite possibly I'm experiencing "the dark night of the soul".  Making decisions and moving forward have been painfully rough, so I've decided to start small, remove the pressure, learning and creating completely outside of my usual jewelry making realm to hopefully, get me to the other side of this trauma response and back to myself and "my new normal" life. As you can imagine depression isn't very conducive to inspiration and creativity.  I'm hoping this journey will guide me back to my love and desire to create beauty!

 

 

As I mentioned in the previous post I'll be focusing on a new craft or technique each month of 2024.  At the beginning of each moth I'll announce my focus for the month and at the end of each month I'll offer the fruits of my labor as a small limited collection.  There will be no collection for January as this month has been for research as to what I'll be creating in each month and sourcing patterns, tools, and materials.

 

 

 My husband is getting me a circular knitting machine for my birthday this month and I already have my first project(s) planned, tutorials watched, and I'm itching to get started (the flicker of a spark is beginning), just awaiting the arrival of the actual machine and supplies...

I'm approaching all of this with baby steps and the situation is fluid therefore, my plans could be adjusted at any moment to fit my needs/mood (right now I have to be selfish and focus on myself alone).  Follow along if you'd like. Let the reinvention begin...

ps I'll be sending monthly newsletters again.  I've noticed how irritated it makes me when I navigate to a website and a pop-up comes up to sign up almost immediately, so I've disabled mine.  If you'd like to receive my newsletter please sign up in the bottom right corner on any page of my website.

pps Here's the link if you'd like to read more about my cancer journey...

 

 ➿➰ 〰️ FEBRUARY IS FOR KNITTING 〰️ ➰ ➿

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